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*** Week Four ***

I awoke Monday with a jolt — crap, the band box, my empty bed, and sore. Gloriously, satisfyingly sore. Stand in the shower, let the hot water beat down on me and smile sore. Use my fingers to coax a spend, blissfully and thoroughly sore. Think of Lily and all that the weekend had been sore. Dress, drive, stop for coffee, and hurry to work sore. Think about how to deal with Mo sore. Seeing Tammy’s smile and feeling her tearful hug sore. Sore and Monday are my companions today. So deal with it, Ginger. Don’t even waste your time seeing if the check cleared ya goof.

Tammy chattered, blushed, and spoke of how wonderful her weekend was. I smiled graciously. If she only knew. Her life was hers; if ‘Operation Intervention’ had been a success, well, fabulous. I was still sore. I smiled. Did I mention that I needed a nap? Five Hour Energy? I had no idea how I would make it through the day. Hey! I hadn’t thrown up all weekend — or this morning. Oh my god! I would keep my fingers crossed. How many more days? I think maybe next Monday I would test again. Before work, early morning, so I could kill myself and it would take only a few hours … oh stop it! Yeah, I know. Emily Sue: Drama Queen! Right, and you aren’t her, so just stop. Bitch! Ha! Who had the weekend you just had? Umm. Exactly; remember that! God I hope someone out there is laughing. I’m such a goof.

Tammy insisted on taking me to lunch. I tried to protest but she would have none of it. She ‘just had to’ tell me about the hotel (Crowne Plaza), the restaurant, Pacchia Prima (I tried not to laugh), and more. I must admit – she was glowing, her eyes were sparkling, and she had the look of a woman well and often pleasured. I wonder if she noticed my, umm, glow. This wasn’t about me though. I asked about what would be different going forward. She looked at me blankly.

We talked about establishing a ‘date night’ and incorporating it into their lives. Date night came first! Put it on the calendar like every other thing that was important. I suggested, “Look, kids, school and the rest are important. But date night? Somebody has to be bleeding or on fire to change that!” Oh my god how she laughed!!

She thanked me for a wonderful idea. “Hey you, it’s your lives and your marriage. Please don’t … no, forget that. Please let this weekend be a new beginning, not a one time event. Do you know what I mean?”

“Yup; date night can be the linchpin, keystone, for us to work from. She had tears again. “Jeffrey is a good man, Emily. He works hard, he’s so good with the kids, and,” she blushed, “he loves me.” I smiled. She asked about my weekend.

I answered dryly, “It was just great.” She might melt into the booth if I detailed my weekend. Oh god, dinner with Mo tonight. Shit, I had forgotten to mention it to Lily. What to do? Tammy paid the bill and we headed to the car and back to work. She parked in the garage. As we walked to the stairwell, she stopped and hugged me. She kissed me — yeah, on the lips. It was okay – just a sweet, friendly, thank you kiss. I beamed at her. I fretted about Mo — well, no, about Lily.

I called from the conference room. “Hello lover, are you still sore?” She laughed that glorious laugh.

“Yes you bitch I am, thank you. Lily, I forgot to tell you something. It was a spur of the moment thing Friday. Mo and I met for drinks. She invited me out to dinner tonight — she’s off tomorrow. I don’t think you or I had any idea that things would turn out the way they did this weekend. I completely forgot about dinner. I just had to tell you; if you prefer I not go I won’t.” She knew what had been left unsaid — it was likely Mo would want to make love with me.

“Let me be blunt, Ginger. No, I don’t want you to. But I have no right to … it’s still too soon to ask either of us to be monogamous.” Ooh, that stung. She was right though. Silence.

“We never did set any plans Lily. When do you want to do something together? You started to tell me some things about the house and the bank at my place before we sorta got off track. I’d like to move forward with that if we can.”

Her tone was cool. “Sure, why don’t you come to my office after work Wednesday? I can go over the numbers and we can figure out how much money you want to put down, and the rest.” Oh god, I don’t want to wreck this!!

My voice was soft and I knew I was pleading. “I don’t … Lily, please; we both used the ‘L’ word last night. I know you meant it; so did I. I don’t want to … please don’t be angry. Please!”

Her voice was thick. “Ginger, this weekend was simply over the moon wonderful. It stings that you have a date and, yes, I do believe that you just forgot — after this weekend, I do. I’m a bit hurt and, after what happened with Bobby, I admit I’m a little gun shy. This will work out exactly as it’s meant to. So you have your date and see her after your workout. I’ll see you Wednesday after work.” A short pause. “And Ginger, I do love you.”

I’d been pacing nervously around casino oyna the room. I slumped into a chair. “Lily, I do love you. I’ll call you tomorrow and …”

She cut me off. “I don’t want to hear details, Ginger.” My god; I was hurt and quiet. “That was completely shitty of me and hideously juvenile. I’m sorry sweetie.” I smiled.

“Hey you … our first spat.” We giggled.

“Oh goodie! Make up sex Wednesday — your place or mine?”

“Yes.” More giggling. “I love you and I’ll call you tomorrow.” We said goodbye. I still had decisions to make. Mo was way more than attractive, I was way more than curious, and I had no idea what to do.

Text to Mo: Hi! What time and where 2 nite? G

I tried to work. I was, to be candid, a mess. What Lily and I had was more than just about sex; this weekend had proved that. I admired her, liked her and dreamed a little about what life with her might be like. Hmm, there’s a thought that I needed to ponder more. We needed to spend more T I M E together. Yeah, we would talk about that.

Maureen? My god, the woman is so attractive, dynamic, and sexy. She oozes sexuality and confidence. She was clearly attracted to me as well. But was that, for each of us, just lust? We’d only been together a couple of times and there was chemistry there. God yes, I know I wanted to find out what she was like in bed. I was pretty sure I knew — every bit as creative, dynamic and sexy as she was when we danced and (I smiled) we kissed. So Red, where’s my response?

I fidgeted and fussed. I really did try to get some work done. 4:30 pm. Geez, Mo! She could be out on a call and not able to call or text. I couldn’t allow myself to think about the other possibility. I laughed at myself — I was trying to will the cell phone to ring or buzz. Goofball. I barely know this woman and I’m in a dither worrying about her. What would I be like if she was a part of my life? I’d read the stories and seen the bits and pieces on TV about 9/11 — the heroes, the families, and the children. It still brings tears. Stop this Ginger … it’s pointless. She’s fine. Of course she is.

I remember a story a long time ago about a widow of a fire fighter. She said something like, “I remember when it didn’t take my breath away to think of him.” My eyes were wet. No, no, you can’t let yourself go there. I know, and I don’t know how not to worry.

Was a guardian angel watching over me? The phone buzzed. L Room, wink, go from there. 🙂 I smiled through tears. I went to the ladies room, washed my face, splashed cold water, dabbed cold, wet paper towels to try to curb the redness and swelling. I shook my head. Ginger: hopeless. I stuck my tongue out. Really mature huh? I hurried to the car.

I shut the car off in the parking lot, took a deep breath, and headed in. I waved to Candy; she smiled and poured me a Stoli. I took it, went and sat — with my back against the wall. You laugh if you want. I was going to do it like I knew she liked. When she wandered in twenty minutes or so later she found me and smiled. Lily, I do love you! Mo, you take my breath away!! No, I did not cry. She got her beer, took off her coat, kissed me warmly, and sat down.

“You are a quick learner, Ginger, thank you.” How can a girl not smile when someone says something like that!

“I got here first Mo; it was easy. How are ya?” Her eyes clouded.

“Busy.” Terse. I took her hand in mine and squeezed. She smiled and sipped her beer. Her eyes were somewhere else. I wouldn’t ask. I’m not part of the ‘blue wall’ and I don’t even know her all that well. I sat quietly and waited until she came back. The only reason I know some of these terms is that I read a lot. I had to when I was married. Hell, it was either that or drink. Mo finally realized I was next to her, turned, smiled, and said, “I’m sorry Ginger. It was hectic out there today. I came back to Dayton to help make the mean streets a little less mean. Some days …” she shrugged.

“Mo, I won’t even pretend to know. I’m just glad to see you and be with you again.”

“Can we just go?” Uh oh. I needed to deal with what I suspected she had in mind.

“Sure Mo; did you have a restaurant in mind for dinner?” She stared at me. “Let’s finish these and head to the parking lot.” We did; we sat in my car. “Mo, you’ve clearly had a tough day. I’m just going to say this. I want to make love with you; ache to. There is an electricity and energy between us that I just adore. It’s so strong that I have to ask, please, that we not rush to what is so easy for both of us — the physical side of the relationship. I would love to do whatever I can to ease whatever it is that has you so upset; just not in bed.”

“Is your back seat big enough?” Her blue eyes twinkled.

“Where are you gonna hide that badge when you’re naked?”

“Pin it to the back of the seat.” Shit, she had an answer for everything. She kissed me. “Thank you Ginger. I kinda hate you for it, but thank you. I really like you too and, yeah, I really want to canlı casino make love with you! We’re gonna be great together. Hell, we already are.”

“Can I tell you what a friend told me recently, Mo?” She nodded. “You’ll feel good for about an hour and like shit for the rest of the day.”

“Only an hour? Oh honey!” She grinned.

I had to laugh. “Yeah, an hour in the back seat of the car when it’s twenty below.”

She shivered. “Geez, nice imagery Ginger. Can I at least kiss you?”

“Only if you promise not to stop.” Uh oh. Those blue eyes got hot and wild. Cat quick, she climbed over, straddled me, pulled the lever on my seat and pushed until we were both prone. She was all over me — hands, lips, oh my god. “Oh Mo!!” She shut me up with her mouth. Whatever energy she had, whether it was frustration or anger, she gave it to me with her kisses, hands and fingers all over me. She shrugged me out of my coat, slipped the sweater over my shoulders and head, and undid the front clasp on my bra. She was a whirling devilish of red hair and pent up energy. She ground herself on my thigh. She loved my breasts furiously and screamed into my mouth when she came. I didn’t object; I let my tears flow without reservation. She was … whatever; she needed release and I let her take it.

She never touched my slacks, never made a move to unzip her jeans. She leaned up high enough to let me love her fabulous breasts. Goodness, she has the most fabulous nipples. Rosy, big, the definition of beautiful, and the scent of her was … something flowery that I didn’t recognize, but it was gorgeous. She lay over me and continued to grind … I didn’t care. Take whatever you need doll. She bit the head rest so as not to scream as she bucked a second time. I pulled her to me, feasting on her. Her breaths were in frantic, short gasps. She slid back down till we were kissing again. My hands held her face, caressed her red, hot cheeks, and ran lightly through her hair. Anyone trying to look in — good luck! She, we, generated enough heat to cover each inch of every window. She seemed to have burned off a good bit of whatever drove her frenzy. I would let her take whatever she needed. It gave me a window, a glimpse. She marked my heart that night. It was wonderful.

“You okay Mo-Mo?” She nodded, her thick, full hair hiding her face as it lay against my neck.

I felt the tears. “How did you know my nickname?” I have no idea. I just said it.

“I have no clue; it kinda slipped out. God, Mo, you are just fabulous … just as good a lover as a kisser and dancer.”

She giggled. “Really? Thank you Ginger. You let me take what I needed. I hope you are okay with what I did.” I could only smile.

“I took good notes Mo.” More giggles. “It will go into the memory bank for when, umm, when and if we actually do make love.” Her head jerked up.

“When and if – what’s up with that?” Her tone was harsh but her eyes were sparkling, even in the dim light.

I kissed her. “We’re completely good Mo. It was a joy to watch you and love you. You were everything I thought you would be as a lover. It makes me shiver a bit to think what it will be like when we’re not cramped and partly clothed.” Again with the giggles.

“Do you want to have some dinner?” I made a move to unzip her jeans. She stared at me; we both laughed. “Evil, very, very evil Ginger. I like it.” I kissed her nose. We struggled back into our clothes after she moved back to the other seat and I lifted mine. I leaned in for another kiss; she was voracious. We took her car and left my windows open a little to let some air in. I had no idea where we were going. “Do you like German food, Ginger?”

“Oh my gosh yes!!”

“Good. I’ll take you to the Boulevard Haus. It’s kind of cool. They have really good food and a great beer selection; a very authentic German atmosphere.”

“Oh wonderful. I’m half German!! How fun.” Mo pulled into the lot and shut off the car. I leaned over and kissed her. “Mo, that really was wonderful.” She smiled shyly.

We walked into the restaurant hand in hand. I had a thought — if she didn’t care I certainly didn’t either. Technically I wasn’t ‘out’ but I also didn’t really give a damn. I was happy to be with this gorgeous woman. I didn’t care who saw us. And yes, I still love you Lily. I shook my head. ‘Have You Ever Had To Make Up Your Mind?’ God I’m old!

My mouth watered just reading the menu. “I love this food Mo. I feel silly. I should know this place. Thank you, this is fabulous … it’s like a candy store for me.” The place was great, German music playing, the servers dressed in authentic-looking outfits. Lederhosen, shorts, suspenders, white, short sleeve shirts for the men; high-waisted, short, sexy outfits for the women. Magda, our server, was blonde, gorgeous, and gave us a look at her full bust. I raised an eyebrow. A slight nod and a wink were her response. I let Mo order the food. I asked if there was a beer sampler. Mo snickered; Magda blushed and nodded. After she kaçak casino left I asked, “What the hell was that about? Oh shit, is she family?”

“She’s one of us, Ginger. She knows me; what you asked is sorta ‘code.'” I blushed and shook my head.

“Geez, I had no idea.” Mo laughed at it all. “You’re fun to be with, Mo. This is great.”

She came around to my side of the booth and sat next to me. She smiled, kissed me, and squeezed my hand. Yum!

I saw Magda coming with a row of small glasses — the beer sampler. Her face fell when she saw Mo next to me. I smiled. Mo smiled sweetly, her voice sugary, “Thank you honey.” Oh how funny. Mo looked at me and winked. The beers: Bitburger, Hacker Pschorr, Warsteiner — one better than the other, absolutely fabulous. The food? Oh lord, I was in heaven. I cooed and purred. I puffed out my cheeks when we finished. Mo laughed at me. I wanted to go home with her, really I did. It tore at my heart and I knew I would have to explore why. No, I didn’t tell her that. We flipped for who would pay tonight and tomorrow. I could take her to that little place Lily took me to. Maybe. Lily knows the owner … damn. Emmy’s diner wasn’t nearly this good. But, it was good!

It was a very quiet ride back to the parking lot. Yes, there was more making out. Between kisses I said, “Mo, it’s completely ridiculous this early but I feel like I have to say it. It worries me – what you do.” She stared at me. Not with anger, just a stare. I shrugged. “Selfish, stupid, paranoid — whatever. I was crazy with worry for you today, honey.”

“Thank you Ginger. Today was just one of those days. You’re right; we can’t do this if we are to be … anything.” I wanted, more than anything, to go home with her and … you know. No, Emily, no! My shoulders slumped in surrender to my conscience. “Do you have any idea how much I appreciate you letting me, umm …”

I kissed the rest of whatever it was away. “I don’t know how to be with a cop, babe, but you needed something and I wanted to … I don’t know, I just know I wanted to be … to give you … whatever you needed to let you … geez, I have no clue … any and everything you needed to take … or, let go of. And make no mistake, Mo, it was wildly erotic and pleasurable for me, even if I didn’t have …”

Her mouth met mine, shushing my bumbling futility. Her lips were soft, her tongue didn’t demand, it sought. Her hands held me to her softly. Everything about this was loving and warm. I nearly cried as we kissed. I had no clue what to do about this woman. We were both fumbling but it was innocent and beautiful — because we cared. I wrote out my address. She would pick me up; we would go to dinner, after Kathy.

On the way home, I mused. Would we really go to dinner? Lily? Yes honey, I do love you. I couldn’t sleep. Exhausted, frustrated, my mind raced, my emotions a confused jumble. Sleep came late.

I overslept Tuesday. I just lay there. I finally flung off the covers, padded to the kitchen, started coffee, and went to the bathroom to do all the mor … oh wait, where is it? I went back out to the kitchen, got a glass, sat on the pot and peed — some in the glass, the rest in the toilet. I put the glass on the sink, tore off the wrapper and the plastic tip, dipped it in the urine, and prayed. I set the device on the glass — the result window facing away. It was a lot longer than three minutes when, with a shaky hand, I reached for it, turned it over, and … cried.

No, I wasn’t pregnant. I cried because that little place deep inside of me that yearned for motherhood was still unrequited. I just know there are a few heads out there nodding in understanding. Of course I was relieved. It would have been a train smash. I’m going to talk about something briefly and then never mention it again. Did Bill and I consider adoption? Me: yes. Bill wouldn’t hear of it. In vitro fertilization? Early on the cutoff age was 30. Research had changed. Many in medicine think the highest success rates come between the ages of 35 and 40. At 35 I was interested; at 40, there were clear signs that things were unraveling. I had no interest in bringing a child into the world with a man whose affection for me was waning; tepid at best. That’s the short course and I’m all done talking about it.

I cried a little more in the shower and was done with it. The empty glass went right into the sink. I grabbed my purse and my go cup and headed to work. Okay, I wasn’t done with it. I cried when I called Jenny; she cried with me. I sat in the garage and called Lily and cried again. She let me; I think she understood the ambivalence. Had she felt it? Was that part of why she had sought out a man — for love, for a child, maybe both? I would ask tomorrow. She told me she loved me. “I love you too Lily. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow.” My eyes were puffy and red.

Tammy took one look, took my hand, and led me to the conference room. I told her; her eyes got real wide. She held me while I cried. She had me sit down and got us both coffee. She must have said something to Jodi because we sat and talked and no one bothered us. I told her about Mark; she was surprised. I shrugged. We just sat. “Thank you Tammy.”

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